The Convalescence Of Spencer Hastings's Heart
by EchoEveMorrow
Summary: Emily has always been there for Spencer and continues to be as Spencer handles her break up with Toby poorly, but maybe Spencer wants a little more from Emily than she's willing to give. Mostly AU, but Spencer did catch Toby in her kitchen that night and Emily is with Paige, but not as happy as they appear in the show. Spencer's POV.
1. Emily and a Plan

**This idea was given to me by **_**Breatheorange. **_**I'm not really sure where I'm going with it, but it'll be mostly AU. Toby and Spencer did break up because he's part of the A Team. Emily is with Paige, but not quite as happy. Please bare with the slow development of this story.**

I sigh deeply as I roll toward the clock, not at all surprised when my face encounters the wetness on the pillow next to me. I've been crying in my sleep again. It's been two months since I caught Toby in my kitchen stealing back the A key and confirming those few horrible weeks of suspicion that he couldn't be trusted, and I still couldn't keep the dreams away.

Dreams of memories and fantasies, worries and fears, all painful and all about him. The worst part isn't even what Toby has done to me; it's that I've been threatened into secrecy. I can't tell a single soul I trust because some unknown asshole, with nothing better to do than torture a group dishonest high school girls, wants me quiet, wants me to break. Well, guess what…they're getting what they want.

I'm clearly not functioning at school, I can't stand to be with anyone else because I'm worried about confessing my secret, and all I can do when I'm alone is cry. I don't ever remember feeling this broken, and I don't know a single person that can fix me.

My increasing turmoil and a fresh wave of tears are interrupted by the doorbell. It's 11:37am on a school day and I'm almost too worried to go investigate. But after a moment, and a few more rings of the bell, I pull my light blanket off the bed, swaddle myself in it, and head down to the door, not bothering to worry about my appearance.

I creep suspiciously down the stairs, peeking around the corner to check out my visitor before they realize I'm here when I see Emily standing anxiously by my door with a worried expression. I take my steps quicker now and swing the door open, attempting a look of surprise, but I'm sure it's moderately stoic. Expression hasn't been the easiest for me lately, either.

"Spencer, why aren't you in school?" her tone is almost chastising, but her expression is still one of worry.

"Why aren't you?" I deadpan, monotonously.

"You haven't been in school for _three days_. I'm worried… I mean, we're worried." She whispers, appearing oddly guilty and refusing to look at my face. I don't know what to say. They know Toby and I broke up, they know how I felt about him, and they apparently expected a different response had this situation arose.

"Sorry." I say, surely looking anything but. "I didn't mean to worry you, Em." She shifts feet and drapes an arm across her chest to nervously grab her own elbow. I don't know what's on her mind, but it's beginning to make my stomach churn.

"Well, okay." She starts, backing toward the door. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay." Her left hand reaches for the knob and I sigh, knowing I can't let my friend, who was kind enough to check my wellbeing, just leave.

"Why don't you stay? We're already skipping school…and I was about to eat something." That's a lie, but it has been a while since I've had any food at all and, though I know it's a very bad idea, I really do want her here. I turn without waiting for a response and head to the refrigerator. I don't even know what I can force myself to choke down, but we'll find something.

I hear her gentle footsteps behind me and I actually feel a flutter of relief. I really miss her, all the girls, and I think I can keep my mouth shut about Toby and the A Team long enough to spend part of the afternoon with my best friend.

She sits quietly at the counter and I can feel her eyes on me. I take out some leftover spinach lasagna Mom and Melissa must've made last night, setting it on the counter to fetch some bowls. I don't know when she got off the stool on the other side of the table, but as I turn, bowls in hand, we bump hips and she reaches out to prevent me from falling.

"Sorry. I just wanted to help." She looks guilty again and removes her hands from my arms as quickly as she put them there. I miss her warmth the second she does. It takes me a few more seconds to process why it matters so much if Emily touches my arms, but I don't dwell. I have enough to think about and it's clearly just how alone I've been recently.

We stand near to each other without speaking as we wait for the pasta to heat. I know I shouldn't, but I let my mind wander and the next thing I know Emily is brushing her thumbs lightly over my cheeks. I must be crying again. I look down, ashamed, and start for the microwave when her arms stop me. She stares into my eyes and I realize how truly beautiful she is. She pulls me in for a tight hug and I feel myself start to cry again, harder. I haven't cried like this since that night outside of Toby's apartment.

And she just holds me. For fifteen minutes Emily lets me sob into her neck as she delicately rubs my back. I finally pull away, sniffling and attempting to regain composure, and Emily tucks some stray hair behind my ear and smiles sadly at me. I think she's surprised by how much I'm hurting. If only you knew, Em.

I wonder what she's thinking about as we stand there looking at each other and maintaining subtle contact. I see conflict in her eyes before she leans in slowly and kisses my cheek. Toby is now briefly stricken from my thoughts as an idea takes up residence at the forefront of my brain.

Emily's always been there for me, always given me everything I've ever needed. I wonder how extended that offer really is.

I chew softly on my bottom lip as I make a decision. I need to feel something, who better to feel with than Emily. I give her no time to react before pressing my lips against hers, but her reaction is not what I expect.

She pulls away swiftly, like she's been burned, and with wide eyes she rushes out of my house without saying a word, accidentally slamming the door behind her as she goes.

I'm not really sure what I just did or my motives behind it, but I can't begin to process. I throw away the again cold lasagna and trudge back up the stairs. I crawl into bed and cover my face entirely with my soft comforter, hoping it provides just that.

**Well. I guess that's that. I wonder what Spencer will do. Criticism is welcome. Until next time…**


	2. The Lie

**Thank you so much, Stephanie, for kicking my ass until I wrote Spencer properly. I hope you all like this as much as chapter one.**

I turn the key counter-clockwise, killing my engine, as I look around the crowded parking lot. I haven't been to school in a while and the thought of actually walking into the building is making me rather anxious, but what's worse will be seeing Emily. I had managed to sleep again once Emily left yesterday, but when I woke this morning, what I did actually hit me. I kissed Emily. _Kissed_ Emily Fields; my best friend. The pace of air rushing in and out of my nose increases again at the thought of the quick peck.

I still don't understand how my pain-addled brain managed to think giving myself to Emily was a solution to anything. I know I'm lonely… I know I'm crazy… but I still don't understand what would make me kiss Emily, what's making me want to kiss her again. I thought my problems with Toby were driving me crazy, but thoughts of using my best friend will probably destroy me. My best friend; who is not only completely disinterested in dating or engaging in any form of physical intimacy with me, but is in a relationship. A happy relationship with Paige fucking McCullers.

I push my brief spark of jealousy - followed swiftly by confusion - quickly out of my mind and have to keep reminding myself to breathe as I spot my group of friends heading up to the front door. I don't think I can just walk next to Emily like yesterday never happened, especially when we haven't spoken a word to each other since. I wish I could just tell what she's thinking. It's infuriating to assume you know someone so well, but to not have even the slightest clue as to what's going on inside their head.

I exhale much louder than necessary and finally open the door, squeezing my eyes shut against the sudden gust of cold wind hitting my face. While I'm tugging my scarf up under my chin and huddling farther into my jacket, I make a decision. As much as I want to avoid the awkward conversation with Emily, I need to fix this; fix us. I'll just have to tell her the truth; that I was lonely and looking for some further kind of comfort and hope she'll be able to forget it. I mean, that's all it was, right?

As I enter the building, the first period bell sounds, signaling my tardiness. I still don't have the capacity to care. I maneuver myself to the office, acquiring a late pass, and head to class with nothing but proper apology etiquette on repeat in my brain.

Class seems endless and droll and an unfamiliar boredom overcomes me. '_Great_.' I huff internally. Toby even took my academic excitement. Rolling my eyes I decide to, instead, emotionally prepare for my meeting with Emily. I would have to actually show some for this to matter.

Before I know it the end bell rings and I'm moving, on autopilot, down the hallways and toward the one person I'm most terrified to see. I walk slowly into our shared classroom and catch her eye immediately. She looks nervous and almost angry. I really hope she can forgive me for how selfishly stupid I was. I take the seat next to her and she quickly averts her gaze. It seems she wants nothing to do with me right now, let alone any apology I could offer.

I roll my eyes and slam a notebook onto my desk to scribble out a quick message for Emily, telling her to meet me in the bathroom; that we needed to talk. I attempt inconspicuous as I wait for the teacher to turn away and thrust the crumpled paper into her hand before standing and mumbling something about the lavatory.

After a few seconds of nervous pacing in our small school bathroom waiting for my friend (whom I desperately hope will show), I turn to the mirror and am actually startled by what I see. My hair is lacking its usual organization, my eyes are cold and empty, surrounded by puffy darkness; a clear indication of my recent insomnia, and my lips are dry and pale. I don't recognize the person staring back at me… and that's when I realized mine wasn't the only reflection there.

I could see that, visibly, I'd barely reacted to Emily's arrival. And I could tell she noticed too because her face contorted into something I'd never seen on her before. I don't think too much about it, though, before grabbing her hand and pulling her into the farthest stall from the door, locking it behind us and pushing her against the wall with a hug. I couldn't let myself become someone I didn't know and Emily was just the person to help me.

"Spencer, what is going on with you?" she sounds confused; an emotion I'm sure she's been feeling a lot of around me. The intensity of my hug doesn't relent and I make up my mind. I'll do what I do best; I'll lie.

"I love you." I whisper quietly into her neck, still holding her. Well… not completely a lie.

"I love you, too, Spence. You know that." She assures me, pushing my shoulders lightly to look at my face. She's smiling warmly and, for the first time since Toby and I broke up, she doesn't look nervous beside me.

"No, Em. I'm _in _love with you."

I actually said it.

And I'm not really sure how she's taking it because her face isn't changing. A whole thirty seconds pass and she appears to be frozen in place with a slight smile and calm eyes. It's almost like she's not taking it in at all. She's standing silently in front of me, for at least a minute, before she drops her hands gently from my shoulders and her eyes start getting wider and her lips slowly part.

I reach forward, mostly as an attempt to keep her from bolting again, and lace the fingers of my right and her left hand together and use my free one to tuck stray hair behind her ear. Realization seems to fully hit her and she jerks her hand away and pushes my shoulders, not so lightly this time, and fumbles to unlock the stall door to make a quick escape.

"Em, please." I barely whisper with unexpected tears in my eyes and her drive to complete the task seems to lessen as she turns to look back at me. The second her eyes meet mine her mouth opens again and her shoulders slump in defeat. I see something brief flash in her eyes as she starts toward me, backing me into the same wall I had her pressed against only moments before. She alternates staring into my eyes and looking down at my lips before leaning forward and pressing her mouth directly into mine.

My breath hitches and, before I can kiss her back, she's gone. Not just from my lips, but from the bathroom entirely. I don't know how I missed her exit, but I need a minute to compose myself anyway.

I bring my fingertips to my lips just as the bell sounds through the school again.

Maybe getting what I need from Emily won't be as hard as I thought.

**To be continued. I hope you like it… even though I was less pleased with it than the first. Review, reread, and all that junk.**


	3. In the Hallway

**Sorry it's been a while, I was just waiting for a certain kind of inspiration to hit. I wanted this chapter to turn out better than the first and I'm hoping I accomplished my goal.**

A few days go by before we speak again. I actually saw her dart AWAY from me in the hallways at least twice. I wish she would make up her mind. Usually Emily is such a decisive person, but something about this, with me, seems different. I'm not sure if it's because she's worried about how soon after Toby it is, or the morality of the situation, but I wish she would just talk to me.

I don't know what to do or say since I told my best friend I'm in love with her, but I'm actually searching for her this time. She won't return my texts or phone calls and she's never in the place I expect her to be especially the lunch room anymore; probably figures that since I'm never there, either, that would be the first place I'd go looking for her.

I'm running out of places to look and I'm thinking about giving up today as I round the last corner to her locker , my last ditch effort at an "accidental" encounter, and stop abruptly when I see Emily and Paige there, literally screaming at each other. Paige looks like she's seconds from tears and Emily's back is to me, but the wavering of her voice indicates the same.

I'm torn; not sure whether to leave them to their personal, not so private, conversation, or to wait around for the comfort I surmise she'll require once the fight has ended. As I starting backing out of view, I see Paige's eyes flicker to mine and she completely shuts down, raising her hands to signal the end of the conversation and storms down the hallway toward me.

For only a second I actually feel something, the tiniest shard of an emotion, and adrenaline coursing through my veins. Ordinarily I wouldn't even rise to a confrontation with McCullers, but I can feel myself standing up straighter and narrowing my eyes as she closes in on me.

Her eyes are murderous and her voice is low. "I hope you're fucking happy now." But she doesn't even stop, getting just close enough to invade my personal space and speak exactly what's on her mind, and she pushes me back with both hands into a row of lockers and keeps walking.

I'm shaking with rage and just as I'm about to follow her down the hall and give her a piece of MY mind, I feel a hand on my shoulder and whip my body around to face its owner. Emily stands there, wide-eyed and worried and I lose every ounce of self-control. My body hasn't produced this many endorphins in some time and I need an outlet. I've quit all my sports and clearly can't beat Paige's head in so I do the next best thing.

I grab Emily's wrist and spin her around, slamming her back into the lockers and before she has time to do or say anything else I'm crushing our lips together. Using both hands, I pin hers just above her head and press our bodies flush against one another as I run my tongue over her bottom lip, asking for permission. She whimpers and grants it eagerly.

All I can think about is how good she tastes as I shift both of her wrists to just my right hand and trail the nails on the fingers of my left hand down her arm and body to tickle the skin of her stomach as I inch my hand up the front only slightly. I moan, much louder than necessary, into her mouth as she bucks her hips into mine and tugs her wrists down, clearly trying to escape my grip to reciprocate my passionate caresses.

I relent; releasing her limbs and moaning again when her hands go immediately to cup my ass, pulling me impossibly close to her. I jerk my mouth from hers to quickly attach it to her neck and grind my pelvis into hers and her head slams into the locker behind her. Her ragged breaths almost directly in my ear nearly cause me to miss the bell, signaling the end of the school day.

I rip my mouth off of her completely, my hands taking fistfuls of her shirt and pulling my body entirely away from hers, except for my mouth by her ear long enough to whisper, "Come to my house tonight. Late. I want to make sure we're not interrupted." I lean away and see her, all of her; her eyes are closed, her lips are swollen, she's gasping for air, and she looks like attempting to hold herself up is harder than swimming an entire relay.

I touch her hand for just a moment as people filter into the hallway around us, giving us the occasional glance. She nods her head and licks her lips distractedly before pulling her hand away, pushing herself off the lockers, and stumbling away without a glance back in my direction.

I'm frozen to the spot, staring off after her and feel the stirrings of something akin to excitement. A legitimate smile breaks out on my face and I'm too caught up to think about what I just implied. I told  
Emily to come to my house so we could be alone… after making out pretty heavily against a locker in a public hallway.

I know I should probably be worried. Paige isn't a person to piss off. I should probably also inquire to Emily about what they were fighting about. And I'm completely sure I should not be doing this to my best friend; with my best friend, either phrasing is appropriate. I'm using her, and she doesn't even know. She thinks I'm in love with her.

I've somehow walked out to my car, not even remembering the trip here, and climb into the driver's seat before I start to cry. I cry for him, I cry for me, I cry for her; at least half an hour has passed and my tears haven't even begun to ebb… until the passenger door of my car flies open and a concerned Hanna plops herself down next to me.

The tears falling from my eyes are still constant, but the sobs are easily choked back as I wait for her to say something. She removes a small package of tissues from her purse and hands a couple to me as she continues to patiently await some semblance of sanity and composure to return to me.

I dab my eyes one last time before wadding the damp tissue into the palm of my hand, drawing in a deep breath and turning fully toward her; this mini ambush can only be about one thing.

Her face contorts into an expression of concern and warning. Her words don't hold malice, only honesty and love.

"Look, I may not be the nicest person. And I may not say the right thing most of the time, but I love Emily, and I love you, and I just want to make sure you're doing this with her because you want HER. Not just because you can't have Toby."

"What did she tell you?" I gasp, wondering exactly how much of this story Hanna knows.

"Enough." She says, with a satisfied smirk. "That's all she needed to tell me."

She's known before today. I'm not sure why I expected any different; Hanna and Emily are the closest of the four of us and I don't know why I had assumed Emily would keep this from her.

"I love her, Hanna. This isn't about Toby." I'm hoping my eyes are still as inexpressive as they have been. If they betrayed anything, Hanna didn't let it show she was any the wiser. Only a simple nod of her head before a sudden squeak erupts from the back of her throat and she's launching herself across the center console to give me a hard embrace.

She hasn't even fully pulled away before she's mumbling a million words a minute. "I always knew you and Emily had a thing; always with the eye sex. And that explains why Emily broke up with Paige as soon as she found out you loved her back. She never had to say anything to me, of course, but I knew she was into you." I raise an eyebrow and smile awkwardly.

I'm thankful this lie has turned out to be so believable. And who knows, maybe I can fall in love with Emily.

**I hope this is okay, though, I'm still not sure what direction this story is taking. Any suggestions or criticisms would be greatly appreciated. Review, reread and all that. :D**


	4. Best Friend Booty Call

**I'm sorry for the delay. I hope the extra long chapter and its content helps. Enjoy!**

I don't know how long Hanna held me hostage in my own car, interrogating me on every detail that is loving Emily, but I'm thankful to be home. I'm actually comfortable tonight, laying on my stomach and reading through one of my old psychology books. I'm lost in a debate over homosexuality as a disease, mental illness, or a choice. I sigh, roll my eyes, and glance at the clock. Upon seeing 8:56, I decide it's time to prepare for Emily's arrival, assuming she actually will show up.

I pull the tie from my messy hair, letting it fall freely past my shoulders and shake it out. I'll need more than a shower for this. I grab some product from the top of my dresser and throw it onto my bed, along with my favorite, loose-fitting shirt and some comfortable, black yoga pants. I'll decide on the undergarment essentials after I've relaxed a bit more.

I softly pad across the hall to my bathroom and pull my shirt overhead before the door's even fully closed; the rest of my clothes quickly follow suit. The hot water of the shower does a fine job of relaxing my tense muscles and the steam does the same in relaxing my brain. For a few moments I wish I could just live in here.

I'm starting to prune and decide that I'm better off keeping at least a little moisture in my skin for tonight, and reluctantly cease the flow of water.

I dry my hair as best I can without the use of a blow drier and wrap myself in one of our large, fluffy, beige towels. Tucking the corner of my towel down the front of what's already around me to hold it in place, I reach down to gather my pile of clothes from the floor and deposit them into the hamper on the wall across from me. I walk over the mirror and swipe a hand across it to remove enough fog to see my reflection.

I look more like myself. My face has some color, my eyes look less hollow, and even the smallest hint of a smile is gracing my lips. I knew Emily could help me.

The briefest moment of guilt hits me as I think this, remembering she broke up with Paige not long after I began pursuing her. I wonder if the two are connected, and I think maybe I should ask her tonight.

As I reenter my room, still deep in thought, I'm startled to see Emily already here. She's walking slowly around my room, admiring everything like it's the first time she's ever been in here. I awkwardly clear my throat and she spins so fast I think she almost fell. Her right hand is resting against the middle of her sternum in, what appears to be, an attempt to calm the tempo of her frightened heart and her left has reached up to nervously run through her hair.

She's wearing a form-fitting gray t-shirt and tight, black skinny jeans. I'm almost too caught up in ogling her that I don't realize she's doing the same to me. I can feel a new kind of tension in the room as I start across the room, slowly, stopping right in front of her and moving my eyes from hers to focus on the bed behind her.

I lean in teasingly close before leaning down past her to remove the chosen items laid out for whatever tonight may have in store.

"Hey." I say casually as I saunter over to my closet, mostly removing my towel before I'm even fully out of sight.

She says nothing for a minute, but I hear her swallow hard and exhale loudly as I dress as quick as possible, foregoing the pants altogether. "He-ahem-hey." the word gets caught in her throat as I reemerge, wearing nothing but a pair of black, moderately see-through panties (with a matching bra she can't quite see yet), and my oversized, light blue t-shirt while rubbing some product into my hair.

I'm successfully seducing my best friend… and loving every second of it.

I set the product back on my dresser and shake out my hair once again, glancing at the mirror just across from me; it's the perfect amount of messy. I smile a very unlike Spencer smile as I'm moving across the room again, toward Emily, who is standing at the foot of my bed watching every step I take. She looks nervous and excited at the same time so I stop about a foot in front of her, giving her the room to leave if she still wants to, but letting her know this really is about to happen.

Her eyes never leave mine as she slowly lowers herself onto the bed, scooting back to give me the room to follow. I stand there for a moment just looking at her and finally have a chance to take all of her in; her slightly messy hair, her nervous demeanor, her undeniable beauty. I look at her and realize that I just might have feelings for my best friend.

I must've been standing there a little too long for her because she's looking down, embarrassed, and has her arms crossed in front of her. She looks like she's ready to crawl embarrassedly off my bed and slink right out the front door. I internally knock some sense into myself as I crawl, on my hands and knees, up the bed to join her. She jumps when my hand touches the skin of her left forearm, but a warm smile slowly spreads across her face as I realize I'm smiling too.

This has just become less about seduction, and more about entrusting the young woman in front of me with a part of my being only one other human ever has been before. I gently pull her arms out of their crossed position and move my body forward to replace them, effectively connecting every inch of our torsos and lacing the fingers of both of her hands with mine.

She scoots a bit farther down, laying down on the bed below me and disentangling her hands from mine to place them lightly on my shoulder blades, adding the slightest pressure. This was her hint, her okay, to continue.

I lower the rest of my body, settling atop her, my chest and stomach pressed to hers and my hips between her thighs. She holds her breath for just a second, closing her eyes to adjust to our new proximity. I swallow hard and lower my face within inches of hers, nudging her nose with mine and smiling when she starts to softly giggle.

"I love you." I whisper against her lips and her giggles stop immediately. Her eyes flutter shut and she pushes her lips completely into mine. All the nervousness seems to have evaporated from the room as her hands are surer, running up and down my back, the intensity of our kisses escalating quickly.

The only sounds in the room are the rustling where our clothes come in contact, Emily's whimpers, and the smacking of our lips. My hands fumble for the button of her jeans and she pushes my shoulders back to assist me. I'm desperate to keep our lips connected as I'm helping remove her pants as quickly as possible, shifting onto my knees as she kicks them off completely, and letting out an audible moan when the skin of our legs finally comes in contact.

My hands move up to her hips, trying to feel as much of her skin as possible, reveling in her softness, and trailing my fingers slowly down her thighs. She rips her lips from mine and her eyes fly open as my fingers trail up and down the expanse of skin exposed by her new lack of covering. Her hands tentatively move down to my ass to pull me back into her.

Her touch, and the accidental jerking motion used to assertively indicate her request, cause me to nearly collapse right on top of her, but I catch myself on my elbows and our hips knock together in a surprisingly pleasant way.

Her breath catches and she grips me tighter, her eyes closing again as she moves her pelvis up, connecting it with mine again only slower, harder, and even more pleasantly. A short, breathy laugh escapes me as I press my lips gently to hers.

I adjust, pushing my arms under the pillows below her head, to bring our faces closer together. Her teeth tug at her bottom lip as I grind my pelvis back down on her and resume our kissing with fervor. She's impatiently tugging at the bottom of my shirt, but I refuse to separate myself from her. I never thought kissing Emily would feel like this and I don't want to stop.

I'm forced to, though, when she turns her head, bringing us to an immediate pause until I relent and allow her to undress me.

Stubborn.

Once my shirt is off and she's about to lay back into the stack of pillows behind her, I tug her up by the front of said shirt, smashing our lips together for just a second and ripping the impediment off of her tanned body.

If I ever thought Emily in a one-piece swimming suit was attractive, I never could've imagined my reaction to seeing her in the under cloth equivalent to a bikini… with dark, lust-filled eyes. Thoughts are stricken from me completely; I'd had enough waiting and certainly enough interruptions.

I push Emily hard back down to the bed and my lips go instantly to her neck. She responds in kind, scratching lightly down my back and ending up at the clasp of my bra. I know what she wants and I lift my head long enough to give her a light kiss on the tip of her nose followed closely by a small smile and nod; all the confirmation she needs.

She unfastens it quickly, pulling it down my shoulders to reveal even more of my body to her. I should be embarrassed, or at least concerned about her reaction, but (as previously mentioned) I have no room in my head left for worry and proceed to hastily throw it across the room and continue kissing various areas of Emily's upper body.

Whilst running my tongue down from the hollow in her throat to her bellybutton, I decide her bra needs to go too and flip us over to accomplish the task.

With Emily on top of me, though, things take a different turn. She pins my hands above my head, wearing the sexiest smirk I'd ever seen grace her lips.

"Move them, and I'm gone." She whispers, and I can tell she's completely serious. I grab the wrist of my right hand firmly with my left in attempt to obey her request. She gives me one light kiss on the lips before moving to my chin, my jaw, my neck, my collarbone, moving excruciatingly slow to end at my left breast.

"Em, please." I nearly cry, my hands itching to touch her. She chuckles quietly and continues to suck and gently bite all around my nipple. She's driving me crazy and I'm just crazy enough to let her. My whimpers are growing louder, evidence of my need, and finally she gives in.

Her mouth on me creates strange sensations, ones I don't even remember on my nights with Toby. She hums as she sucks harder, allowing a knee to fall between my legs, pressing directly into my aching clit.

I'm digging my nails into the skin of my wrist, trying desperately to follow her orders. "Fucking hell, Emily…" I let out and she moans, ripping her mouth off of me completely and sitting up on her knees. Her eyes are locked with mine and she's visibly panting, her face probably the mirror of mine.

Her hands slowly reach behind her to unhook the clasp of her own bra and she teasingly lowers it before throwing it onto the floor to temporarily reside next to mine. I give in; she's too far in this to leave now.

I lift my upper body to meet hers, grabbing a handful of her hair to kiss her with a force almost painful. She moans into my mouth as my free hand meets her breast. Her tongue flicks against mine as I roll her nipple between my thumb and the base of my index finger.

Another moan; even louder this time.

I'm losing any semblance of control fast and roll us over quickly to toss her back onto the bed. She hits with a bounce and I'm on her immediately; thrusting my hip into her center as our mouths continue their rhythm. I can feel her wetness on my leg and can tell mine is just as bad. I trail my hand down from her breast to play with the hem of her underwear. She bucks her hips up into mine again, trying for as much friction as I'm willing to give her and I lift my lower body up to slip a hand between us.

Her breath catches and stops the second my hand breaches her last remaining article of clothing, but our kissing doesn't. I still my hand, awaiting her reaction and she tentatively lifts her hips; a silent request.

I push farther down, moving my middle finger to run lightly over her clit. I have no idea what I'm doing right now, basing my actions only on what I know I like. This is a completely foreign feeling to me; well, two, the feeling of another woman, and lack of knowledge.

She squirms below me, biting my lips and moving her hands to tangle in the blankets.

My access is far too limited in this position and I shift my body off of hers and off to the side to gain complete control and resume the circular motion on her. She tears her lips from mine and bites down on my shoulder.

After a few minutes of my slow pace on her clit, her hips start a jerky rhythm. I can tell she needs more. I move my mouth to her nipple and my finger to her opening. I thrust into her with my middle finger and begin a torpid pace inside. Her moans are growing louder, despite the excellent muffling my shoulder has provided thus far.

I will have a bruise.

I add another finger and she uses a hand to grab me by my hair, forcing my mouth back to hers and pulling me mostly back on top of her. Our pace is no longer matching and her sounds are deafeningly loud to my ears as I feel her tightening around my fingers. Biting down hard on her lip, my thrusting becomes harder as angle my fingers up and she stiffens completely below me.

She pulls her mouth from me, her face scrunching up into the cutest pained expression as she comes, silently. I continue the pace with my fingers until her muscles begin to relax.

Her breaths are coming in shallow bursts against my face and her hands clutch desperately at my back. She pulls me down to her, wrapping her arms around me, burying her face in my neck and releasing a loud sigh.

I gently remove my fingers from inside her and wipe them on a tissue from my nightstand. I toss it carelessly to the floor and wrap my arms around her sweaty body. I rest my head on her chest and hear her heart beginning to settle and her breathing evening out as I inhale her scent.

I realize I haven't exactly processed the last few hours when I feel sleep tugging at my consciousness, catching 11:18 on my clock across the room and closing my eyes to give in.

I feel a soft kiss to the top of my head as the world around my slips away. I smile a tiny smile and mumble a final "I love you."

The rest can be dealt with tomorrow.

**Was it… okay? Review, reread, all that junk. I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing.**


	5. Tempestuous Morning After

My eyes open reluctantly as I'm gently nudged by cool flesh. There's a quiet voice whispering something to me in the darkness and, for a moment, I'm concerned. I sit up quickly, turning my head to the source of the noise. I adjust to the dark rather swiftly and make out Emily's face. Memories of last night come flooding in and I'm so thankful she can't see my blush.

"Could we get under the blankets, Spence?" she whispers to me again, her voice deliciously raspy. I suck air quickly in through my nose and release a deep sigh before nodding slightly and shifting off of the bed to pull my quilt down. She quietly thanks me as she huddles under the warm blankets and I'm quick to join her.

She hums quietly, clearly on the precipice between awake and asleep, and rolls onto her stomach, draping an arm over me and resting her head on my shoulder. I smile into her hair, inhaling deeply and wondering why I never noticed how wonderful she smells. The arm not currently being crushed beneath Emily reaches over to trace light circles over her upper arm and I feel myself drifting again; cuddling further into her warm, naked body.

I'm not at all surprised or startled when I take a deep inhale of air, stretch out my cramped muscles, and my skin comes in contact with some a little warmer than my own. This is the first morning in months that I've woken up with a distinct lack of tears on my bedding and I smile at Emily's sleeping form before wrapping an arm around her again.

I allow myself to bask in the feeling of lying so near to her before I'm struck with excruciating guilt. She gave herself to me, she trusted me… and I'm lying to her. My face contorts into a look of pain and I extricate my arm from hers to roll to the cold side of the bed. I don't deserve her as a friend, let alone anything else.

I can't deny now that I'm attracted to her, she's one of the most beautiful people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, but am I really in love with her? My brow further furrows as I attempt to contemplate my feelings for Miss Emily Fields.

My previous jostling must've woken her, though, because a few seconds later I hear a groan as she stretches and rolls over to me. A shy "Hey" escapes her lips, her voice husky from the goings on last night combined with having just woken up. I put on my game face. She can't know I'm lying to her. I won't let her feel the way about me that I do about Toby.

I force my eyes to soften and place a kind smile on my slightly chapped lips and roll to face her. She looks stunning in the morning and I can't help but tell her so. A slight blush covers her cheeks and she leans down to place a light kiss on my bottom lip. She pulls back, looking at me, as though she's asking if last night was only a one-time thing, when just the opposite is going through my mind.

I roll completely over, draping half my body over hers, and push our lips firmly together. She responds in kind, moving her hands to tangle in my messy dark hair and tugging to pull me atop her. I can feel her smiling into the kiss as her hand trails from my hair to my shoulder blades, pushing lightly into my tight muscles before continuing down my back.

She pushes up into the kiss, switching our positions to lay me back down against the bed, and connects our bare torsos. I whimper into her mouth and slide my hands down to her ass, pulling her into me and eliciting my own moan from her lips.

She sits astride my hips and grinds her pelvis into mine, her hands running down my chest and to the top of my panties; the only thing that remained on my body during our night together. She runs her fingers along the band and my nails dig into her back. Suddenly my breath is gone and my eyes open wide with panic. She dips her fingers inside that last article of clothing just a little and my hands go immediately to her wrist, extricating her hand and flipping us over again.

I pin her to the bed, unmoving. She has a startled question in her eyes as I continue to restrict her movement and struggle to regain my breath above her.

"Are you okay?" she asks quietly, and I shake my head. I don't know why I'm so okay with touching her, but can't handle even the slightest reciprocation. There has to be some mistake. Maybe there's just something I don't like about being dominated. I push my lips roughly into hers again, but she refuses to respond so I lean back, resting on my heels, and release her hands. She sits up on her elbows, trying to get a good look at my face.

The magnitude of the concern etched into her facial features causes a loud sob to escape from my lips and I collapse to the side, removing my body from atop hers, but clutching desperately to her ribs. I cry into her shoulder for a few minutes before I clear my throat, take a final sniffle, and cease my tears.

She makes calming shushing sounds until my trembling ebbs substantially and her fingers continue toying with the ends of my hair.

"Maybe we should talk about this, Spencer." She mumbles, still clinging back to me just as hard as I am to her. Her voice holds an edge of despair, but she forces her face to remain neutral. This must be killing her.

I nod into the warm skin of her upper body, now slick from my tears, before pulling myself away, wrapping my half of the sheet around my still exposed torso, and looking up at her face. There are blatant unshed tears shining in her beautiful brown eyes and I force myself not to do something stupid in efforts to comfort her. Instead, I opt for tracing my fingers lightly over her knee and mentally searching for a place to begin.

"What was last night to you?" she asks; her voice hollow, her eyes not quite meeting mine.

My mind races, trying to come up with the perfect answer, before I realize I'm already talking. "Last night was everything I've wanted for as long as I can remember. I know it's taken a lot of not so great things to get here, and the way I went about everything was moderately unorthodox, but I don't regret a second of it."

I'm startled by how genuine I sound and internally pat myself on the back. Emily will NEVER know I'm lying to her, not as long as I can help it. The previous beginnings of tears in her eyes nearly start brimming over and a faint smile reaches her lips; even now she still looks so beautiful.

I lean over and wrap my arms around her, ignoring how nice her body feels pressed to mine as the sheet falls away from me.

I need to do something more, though. No amount of kind words can justify my using her. I need to give her something; something that will make this more believable; something she might actually want in return.

"Em?" I whisper as I pull away. She's reluctant to release me, but gently does so as she emits a soft "Mm?" I lift a hand to brush stray hairs from her now-open eyes and lean over to peck her lips lightly. "Will you be my girlfriend?"

Her eyebrows are raised and her lips are parted in surprise. I can't blame her for not knowing how to react, but I'm starting to fidget under her intense gaze.

"I mean, only if you want to. You know I love you, and, even though things are really messed up for everyone right now, I just want to make sure we're solid. I don't want to lose you. And this is terrible timing and we've both been crying and, oh god, this was a stupid thing to do. I'm sor—" I'm cut off by her soft lips.

The kiss is chaste, lasting only a few seconds, but purposeful. She wants to shut me up. I pull away with obvious confusion all over my face and brush the spilled tears from under her eyes as they shine with blatant happiness. "Yes." She states; simple, full of emotion. My eyes widen slightly before I push her back down to the bed.

She giggles loudly as she's tackled and I immediately attach my lips to her neck. The joyous laughter turns quickly into ravenous moans before I pull away quickly, catching sight of her new hickey, and looking into her eyes once more. "I need you right now, Em, but… I'm still not sure I'm okay with you… er… returning the favor just yet."

I can't believe I'm stuttering my way through this, but at least it's out there. My hands, my mouth, my entire body is almost literally itching to touch her, but the thought of her touching me leaves me with this feeling that can only be described as cold.

Her eyes grow darker and she starts slightly panting. Her emphatic nod is the last thing I see before my mouth reacquaints itself with the artery on the left side of her neck. "One more thing, Spence…" I groan, stilling my movements, but leaving my head hidden.

Her warm breath tickles my ear as I feel her head turn to whisper something to me. What comes out of her mouth is the last thing I expect. "I love you too."

My breath hitches and I almost pull away. I never expected her to love me back. Instead of blowing my cover, of hurting her more, I opt for slowly trailing my hand down her side to the top of her inner thigh before whispering a short, "Good" and trying desperately to hide every ounce of guilt I'm beginning to feel with each soft caress of her velvet skin.


End file.
